Tips for Hill Trekking in Northern Thailand

The Lonely Planet assumes a better educated reader than myself. In case I was expecting the "Karen" tribe to be an Essex hen-party which got lost, it helpfully points out that they are the largest ethnic minority "hill tribe" in Thailand. However, rather than telling me that "kinship is matrilineal and marriage is endogamous", I wish it had just said "take walking boots." I have therefore prepared a list of hill-trekking tips for dummies:

1) Take walking boots. Hill trekking in sandals is about as sensible as doing a track-day using re-treaded tyres.

2) Don't listen to anything the travel agent who is trying to sell you the trek says, especially if it is "sandals will be fine, there's no need for walking boots." Although it didn't really matter, the itinerary we were given by the travel agent was an absolute work of fiction.

3) I can't speak for any other time of year but in mid-November take a winter sleeping bag, a blanket or lots of layers of clothing (or all three). Whilst you might need the air-con in Chaing Mai, it's a lot colder at 900 metres above sea-level. The wafer-thin sleeping bags provided on our tour served only to prevent actual death through hypothermia rather than offering sufficient warmth to allow sleep.

4) Go for the two-day, one night trek. That way, you get to see plenty of Karens, waterfalls, elephants and bamboo rafts but you only have to spend one night without sleep. With sufficient bowel control you may be able to entirely avoid having to use the hill tribe toilets which consist of a hole in the ground and appear to be part of the rice-irrigation system (ie a river runs through them). With the toilet-river and the complete lack of any dry or clean surfaces or anything which could be used as a hook inside the toilet-shed, presumably you CAN take a dump without getting your shorts and underwear covered with mud and piss but only if you're a member of Cirque du Soleil.

5) It's probably best not to carry a Canon EOS 5D and 24-105L lens or other similarly bulky, expensive and fragile equipment. If you thought it was heavy at the start of the day (it is), just wait until the end of the second day of lugging it up a hill after a night without sleep. In addition waterfalls, slippery stream-crossings and mischievous elephants will all conspire to cover it with muddy water on a regular basis. The Lonely Planet says "don't take photographs unless permission is granted." Presumably it's talking about photographs of the tribes-people, but as I don't even speak a word of Thai never mind Karen hill-language (which bears as much similarity to Thai as Welsh does to English and is just as near the bottom of my must-learn languages list) I'm not sure how to get permission. My attempts at the international sign-language for "do you mind if I take your picture" could just as easily be interpreted as "would you like to buy my camera in exchange for one of your delightful hand-knitted purses."

6) Not being able to choose the other participants in your trek, combined with winter in Europe and Murphy's law make it a mathematical certainty that you will be trekking with Germans. As everything is damp and/or covered with mud, they don't want to get their towels dirty so instead claim territory simply by getting there first and making a mental note of the fact. Arriving last at the sleeping-hut should therefore be avoided unless you want the sacrificial mosquito-protection position next to the door.

By following the above tips, you should be able to enjoy a wonderful hill-trekking experience. Even breaking all the rules, much fun can be had.